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I’ve been to a fair few conferences in the last two months. Different countries, different audiences and wildly different ticket prices. But without doubt, what made the most difference to the experience was whether I was “flying solo” at the event.
If we haven’t met, you should know that I am a “card-carrying extrovert” (phrase credit to my fellow card-carrier and frequent conference buddy Emma Burstow). I know that introversion is not the same as shyness, so I should acknowledge that I’m no wallflower either. Conversation is my happy place and, yes, even in the much-dreaded situation of talking to new people.
The other thing you should know about me is that I don’t only attend events, as nice as that sounds, but I also organise them. So for me, every trip to an event is an experience for learning and reflecting. It’s with that in mind that I wanted to share my thoughts with you.
So (and please read this in the style of Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex in the City if you’re old enough to remember that TV show)
If I find solo-conferencing challenging, how do less socially confident people manage…?
Before we dive into the details, let me take you through my recent ‘world tour’.
My first solo flight this year was at NDC London at the end of January. To me this was the classic developer conference: a lot of attendees, several tracks of talks to choose from, sponsor booths, folks in branded t-shirts, and never a queue for the women’s bathroom…
The second conference was FOSDEM in Brussels. FOSDEM – the Free and Open source Software Developers’ European Meeting – proudly advertises itself as a place for 8000+ hackers. Not only is it free to attend, but you don’t even have to register or wear a lanyard. It’s held at a university, and anyone is welcome to enter any of the 35 different rooms (unless the laminated ‘room full’ sign is stuck on the door). It felt like the anarchic home of open source, tempting even the most reclusive bedroom coders out into the light to geek out and add to their sticker collection. This time I conferenced with a friend, thank goodness, as at times it took both of us to navigate through the campus, and its choice of food trucks.
Then it was back to London, and back to solo-conferencing at SOOCON24 (the State of Open Con). This is one of the ‘fringe’ events to FOSDEM, and lots of people who work in and around open source had gone from one to the other, often swapping t-shirts and jeans for a suit in the process. SOOCON is where open source maintainers get to meet and lobby UK policy makers and regulators. If FOSDEM was the playground of open source, this was the boardroom.
After that it was Umbraco Spark in Bristol, arguably a home fixture for me as I’ve been in the Umbraco community since 2012. I must have known at least half of the folks there. But I know there were some for whom it was their first Umbraco community event, and their first experience of our friendly community.
The final stop on this tour was last week, where Emma and I were fortunate enough to attend the Microsoft MVP Summit at the Microsoft campus in Redmond near Seattle. I can’t say much about what happened at the event as a lot of it is under NDA, but if you read any of the LinkedIn articles tagged with #MVPSummit you’ll find one common theme – the people made the conference the special event that it was.
Upon returning home, I had an opportunity for reflection. These events have given rise to thoughts about how we can make solo-conferencing easier for those brave enough to do it. Attending in-person conferences and meetups can be so rewarding and inspiring because of the people you meet. And if this post makes just one person feel more prepared to attend, or one conference organiser try something new to make it easier for solo-flyers, then all these keystrokes will have been worth it!
When you solo-conference (if I use this phrase enough, it will become ‘a thing’, right?) you have two options:
- Keep to yourself and “hide” behind a laptop and/or phone
- Put yourself out there and see what happens
If you take the first option then sure, you’ll be on top of your emails and slack messages by the time you leave. But really was it even worth attending? Especially if the talks end up online for you to watch later.
If you’re brave enough and try the second option, then I truly believe that you will get so much more out of the event. But it can be quite the challenge, even for me.
So let’s say we’ve agreed upon option 2: then how can we make things less daunting? I have suggestions for conference organisers, my fellow solo-navigators and those attending with friends or colleagues.
Let’s start with the organisers…
Organiser Suggestion 1: Green Lights
How you’re met on arrival sets the tone for the day. A volunteer greeter at SOOCON described his role as a “welcome bot”, but what a great bot he was! A positive, friendly smile on arrival already starts the barriers falling.
Then comes the registration process (FOSDEM excepting). I love the initiative of having traffic light stickers that you can add to your lanyard to indicate your willingness for conversion:
- GREEN: happy to talk to anyone including new people
- AMBER: happy to talk to people they know
- RED: not willing to engage in conversation
I first encountered this approach at a conference called “Beyond Tech” in London in 2019 and it made all the difference. If I saw someone on their own with a green sticker, it was a literal green light for me to go over and say hello, introduce myself and see where the conversation flowed. As I’ve said already, I don’t mind starting a conversation but I do appreciate that not everyone does. I remember being at a conference where I spotted the keynote speaker back at his laptop a few minutes after he’d come off stage. I tentatively approached and asked if he had a minute to talk. He said he was grateful for the interruption as he was just pretending to be busy as he felt uncomfortable doing nothing and he just can’t initiate conversations. And yet he’s confident on stage speaking to hundreds!
At NDC London one of the speakers told me he hoped people would come up and talk to him afterwards, as a major part of why he gives talks is to hear from other engaged people.
So yes, green lights (of some sort or other) enable those who want conversation to seek it out, or to be sought out. And equally (more?) important for those with amber and red stickers as they will know that their boundaries should be respected.
Organiser Suggestion 2: Conversation Station
We all agree naming things is hard. “Conversation Station” is just my starter for 10 for the name of a designated space that people can congregate in when they want to talk to new people. If you’re in the space then you’re allowed – and expected – to talk to anyone else there.
This would be especially appreciated at meal times. I once lunched at a London members-only club whose house rules state that if you sit at a table in the middle of the room then you are open for conversation and any other member is welcome to join you. Sitting at a table around the edge of the room, however, indicates that neither company nor conversation is wanted. So could you have a designated area for sociable eating at your event?
Organiser Suggestion 3: Sociable Activities
At Codegarden, the annual Umbraco conference, people can sign up to join a bike ride or a padel competition the day before (Codegarden 2022 was my first padel experience and I’ve been playing ever since!). At this year’s MS MVP Summit I heard that some went bouldering. These are great ways to enable people to find their buddies for the rest of the event.
Perhaps you can have activities in the venue itself that encourage groups to form. Have a table with knitting/crochet needles and yarn, or boxes of lego. At Codegarden we have several Hammerschlagen logs that always attract groups of people, but I appreciate it might only be possible in Denmark with their more relaxed view on health and safety!
Organiser Suggestion 4: Quiet Spaces
I do appreciate that all this interaction might sound, and indeed be, exhausting to some. Many need some quiet time to replenish their social batteries. If they can’t find this at your venue they usually have to return to their hotel rooms, and if these are far away then they are likely to not return. So I’m a big fan of designated quiet spaces at conferences too (and make sure that they really are quiet).
And now to the solo-conferencers…
Just Say Hello!
“Excuse me, may I sit here?”
“Hello, may I join you?”
I’ve never had a bad experience using either of the above phrases. At NDC London I didn’t want to eat lunch with just a phone for company. I spotted a table with a spare chair, so asked its occupants if I could join them. “The answer is always yes!” was the particularly wonderful response I was given: thank you Guy Royse!
Remember you already have one thing in common with every person in the room. You’re all at the same conference so this is not actually a room full of random strangers, even if it might feel like it.
For reasons that don’t matter, I was once at an event for Anthony Trollope fans despite having never read a Trollope book in my life. I was somewhat concerned as to what I could talk to people about. Turns out acknowledging my situation and asking people for their recommendation for my first Trollope read was a perfect ice-breaker! The consensus was “The Way We Live Now” if you’re curious.
In the world of tech conferences I don’t think anyone is going to question the use of ice-breakers such as “What has been your favourite talk so far today?”, “which talk are you most looking forward to?”, or even the old favourite “tabs or spaces?”.
Do Your Research
For multi-day conferences especially, find out where other attendees are staying. Ask on social media for recommendations if you can’t find any. This will give you plenty of opportunities for making connections: in the hotel bar afterwards, or as people are heading out in the morning. Let’s be honest, you can usually spot a conference attendee from the other folk staying at the hotel!
Often conferences advertise social events or ‘mixers’ the night before – go to them! And get there promptly. Not just in case there is a free bar at the start , but also because they can get quite busy. Go early, stay for an hour and you can still get a good night’s sleep!
Be Willing to Change Your Plans
You may have mapped out in advance the sessions you’re going to. But if you find yourself with a nice group of people who are going to a different talk, why not stick with them a bit longer and go to the other talk? After all, I often find that the sessions I attend by accident turn out to be the most interesting.
And finally to those lucky people attending with friends or colleagues…
So I think that this group of people can make the biggest difference to those flying solo.
Those Three Magic Words
Several times at NDC London I was asked “Lotte, have you met {insert name here}?” It made me realise just how powerful those three words are. If you find yourself with people you’ve met before (even if only two minutes previously) then you can be their “connector” to others. Introducing people allows them to form their own direct connection, thus making their conversation a lot easier. It’s a small thing but I believe it makes a big impact, and it’s so easy to do!
As an aside, I really wouldn’t worry about forgetting people’s names. I have never taken offense to being told “I’m sorry I’ve forgotten your name”. I bet if you say “have you two met?” then they will introduce themselves by name and save your blushes.
I have found myself referring to Dylan Beattie as the “Super Connector of the .NET world” (although I haven’t told him this yet so hope he’s comfortable with the description!). On many occasions in the last few years he has made me feel included and welcome at an event by simply introducing me to other folks he knows there. I should say that after the recent MS MVP Summit, Hannes Lowette comes in a close second. It’s something I try to do too – so if you ever spot me at an event please come and say hello: I shall do my best to live up to their example.
The Pacman Rule
We should all know and employ the Pacman Rule (thank you Eric Holscher): when standing with a group of people, always leave a space for someone to join. When they do, open another space for someone else. Leaving space is a clear indication that other people are welcome to join.
The aforementioned Dylan Beattie even made a video to illustrate the Pacman Rule in action.
And if they ask permission to join then remember the Guy Royse Rule (as I am now calling it) – the answer is always yes!
In Conclusion
I hope I haven’t come across too preachy in this post. I just think if we’re going to go to conferences in-person, then let’s really do this ‘peopling’ thing.
As organisers we can do our bit by employing initiatives to make it easier for those solo-conferencing. If you’re with people you know, invite others in and introduce yourselves. And if you’re flying solo then take a deep breath, smile, and ask to join: the answer should always be yes!
If you have any comments or thoughts on how to better fly-solo, or things that organisers can do to help then I’d love to hear them either here below, or you can find me on Mastodon, X, or LinkedIn.
Thanks for reading, and happy (solo or otherwise) conferencing!
Oh and if you need any more convincing on the power of meeting people then I can highly recommend listening – forgive this shameless plug – to the Candid Contributions podcast that Emma and myself recorded at the MS MVP summit with some of the lovely folk we met there.
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